The Jumper

     Here is one about the fella who you want to work with because of his carefree attitude but don't want working for you due to his "Ain't my problem." awnser to everything. The Jumper is the guy on the crew with no real connection to much. Confused about his political standpoint, no real opinion on hard social issues and a general aloof air about him. He might not have a family and any real kind of real social obligation to much. Some are young and some are old that really does not seem to be a contributing factor.  He comes into a work site on a truly temporary basis with a don't really care attitude and a bag small enough to hitch a ride with.

  The Jumper goes from job to job taking the cash money gigs and lets you know he is leaving tomorrow everyday that you work with him. Forever stories of where the "Big Money" jobs are and how he knows all the foremen and supers that want him to come work for them.  Stories of what has been done and where they have been fill the air when they speak. Seeming to be great tellers of stories it is easy to get caught up in the romance of the lifestyle. Like a mid evil sword for hire telling stories of all their great conquests, fair (sometimes not so fair) maidens and dragons they have slayed without ever speaking of the emptyness that exists without  routine and home. They Jumper will sometimes sway a Newbie to come on the next gig with them with the promises of wealth and prosperity. Unknowingly a Newbie here and there starts on the path of the Jumper giving up stability for the unknown adventure that waits behind every new gate pass.

   The Jumper is usually a hard worker thou there are the Slackers amongst them as well. They will tend to do a specific task very well and are not shy to tell you when they are out of their comfort zone with the work they are doing. This is usually the time when the Jump happens. The Jumper does not have to put up with any of the stresses of regular 9-5. If the pressure builds it seems to be the recoil activator for the Jumper and off they go again. Ain't my problem anymore I am off to the next one without a hesitation or a look back about them. Landing again in a new place free of all the restraints from the last  place where they saw the lashes of restriction beginning to be thrown up upon them. Seeing the routine of many people as a type of being tied down like Guliver in his travels.

   Well this is the easiest of all to place in the animal kingdom. I did think of the Kangaroo for a second or two but the Frog just seems like a much better casting partner for The Jumper. Any small twitch or movement that would make the Frog uncomfortable and off they go bounding through the air in search of a new lilly pad where meby the flies are more plentiful and the water a little warmer. Sometimes landing in prosperity and sometimes landing in the latter. Its a 50/50 chance for the one who leaps first and looks second.

    

The Lifer

     Here is one about that guy or gal that's been here way too long and needs to either retire or at least have a minor coronary to have some time off and give everyone else a break for a bit. Taking time off is not thought about as they feel when they got back the place would be a mess.  A real company man/woman who have confused life and work into one thing.  You know who they are when you see them wearing all the company clothes that were given to them. They have a tendency to feel everyone is trying to steal their job or make them look bad. Looking at everyone out of the corner of their eye and talking about them from the side of their mouth. Only befriending people out of need and status as if they are playing a real life game of workplace survivor. Last person standing wins.

     The Lifer is the one who will feel the need to tell the supervisor if they think you are using excessive cream in your coffee or have not brought back a screwdriver from 6 month ago to the tool crib. They have a feeling that costing the company money is out of their very own pocket. The company to them is their lifeblood or extended dysfunctional family,they believe they are truly part of its every function.  Leaving the company is not in their thought patten as they truly believe that the company will not continue to function without them there. Setting in place a sense of false security where there is dependency  in that the company needs them to be here. That they are doing them a favor. Then also creating a sense of entitlement to themselves where they deserve certain privileges that should not be also given to the other employees such as Jumpers and Newbies. Layoffs are devastating to the Lifer and are not even in their thought pattern. When they do happen the Lifer feels like they have been blind sided. Like they are getting a divorce the day after a trip to Disney land. Security may be needed to be called in to remove them as their tendency to go "Postal" is very high.

     Difficult to get along with but a lot of fun to play with here are a few things that you can tell to the Lifer to make your day a little more enjoyable. 1. Layoffs are coming: Well holy crap you just stirred up a hornets nest of controversy and survivor tactics that Adolf Hitler himself would be proud of. The Lifer needs to have all the latest news on whats happening and who is leaving. Making sure to place themselves in a better position if possible after every new hint of news. 2. Were getting a safety award. Eager to replace the shirt from '98 or that old stained coffee cup they will seek this out like a hound dog on a fox. When they find out that it was just a rumor the Lifer is devastated and may take the rest of the shift to get back to their normal selves. They wallowing in despair that it was all too good to be true. 3. Tell them some random rumor such as " I hear ( The person who is one step above them) is leaving, but don't tell anyone he/she has not announced this yet. "  Their eyes will light up with the anticipation and awe. This is the goal of the Lifer to ascend the ladder of function. Moving one step up and one step further away from the inevitable axe that swings in the construction industry. Then the fun part is to wait and see how long it is until someone comes in and tells you the rumor that you have started. The Lifer can't keep their mouth shut about things like that. This may go on for weeks until it reaches a level and get quashed in a safety meeting by someone in management. Rumors like this can grow to outrageous size if left to balloon by themselves.


    Now to pair this one with one single animal is tricky as they display numerous different traits and some are only fabricated ones for survival. So that right there would be the greatest clue as to what one should pick. The animal that will recreate itself for the basis of survival as a defense skill would lead towards the Chameleon.  No great defense tactic other than its ability to blend in and move away with hopes of being passed over. Their hunter then grabbing another poor unsuspecting creature.

    

Homeless Millionaire

     Here are two types of people who are very often confuse for being the same one. The Homeless Millionaire or "HM" for now on, is the person who appears to be homeless when you meet them. (Go figuire... just wait.)  They will have a poorly shaven face because the disposable razor they have used for the last 6 months is as dull as a 2x4. Lunch is always interesting as they bring oddities like pickled herring and homemade concoctions that nobody else bothers asking what it is. Don't ask! You don't want to know and if you do ask then you will have to change lunchrooms before you can enjoy your own food again. Clothing will be old and frayed, boots the same soles sometimes flapping and their hardhat is probably expired. Slightly hunched and fingers frail and wired. Slow walking and seem to shuffle along wherever they go. There is a layer of could be dirt or could just be age on them. The appearance of being slightly tarnished like an old piece of silver that has not been taken care of. A musty smell follows them and an air of mystery. So you may be wondering how are there two of these HM's? Well that is the part that is amazing!


     You may have worked with the first type of HM for some time getting to know them and enjoying their conversation and general gentle persona before it happens. Then the odd chance you see it.... the pocket book. This is the one discerning thing that separates the 2 HM's. He will either deal with strictly large wads of cash due to lack of trust to financial institutions or a little cheque book where every penny since 1964 has been collected. This man is the real deal millionaire. Having saved and pinched every penny they have made since they started working he has amassed a pile of wealth that he sits on. Strangely thou this man blinded and will never see themselves as wealthy. He sadly will often take it to the grave with them, unable to see what they have accumulated. Only focusing on the constant increase they never get the satisfaction of hitting the finish line. The home life for this HM is simple a small house and a little fishing boat, usually a widower or has a wife with distant grown up children that he has pushed away due to working so hard their whole lives and putting family second. He truly lives to receive the pay statement and add the numbers to his impressive bankroll.


     Now the second HM. Being so far from the first is it amazing that they both seem to personify the same character. Jagged and untrusting here is the one you keep at arms legnth. This is the man who could have been a millionaire but is just homeless or living in a low cost apartment with roommates at 50+ years old. The factors that have created this person are limited to usually three. 1. They are divorced 3 times and living with their girlfriend while they are happy to just be paying alimony now that the kids are all out of the ex's houses. 2. They have pickled themselves with alcohol over many years and spent the rest of it all on gambling.  The position now is that they live cheque to cheque and have open credit accounts at their local pubs and liquor stores. 3. Crack. The horrible drug has grabbed onto them and its been years since they lost their homes and families to the addiction. Now just chasing jobs to fuel their ongoing dependency and sucking back the smoke from death itself every chance they get.  This HM's all clouded by their surroundings they have created for themselves. They can only see the weekly pay cheque and have lost the desire to enjoy other parts of life. Their addictions or downfalls now wrapping their heads like a darkly shaded veil they cannot see past the end of their fingertips in life.

     The oddness of the two Homeless Millionaires and the one similarity between them has led me to pair them with this animal. Being that they are so different but share the same trait of outer blindness as to their surroundings makes them the Bat. Unable to see, living in the dark and well there is that smell too them create this link between man and animal.

Petro Hippie

    So been a while but here we go again. Today's blog is called the Petro Hippie. I was a little taken back when I first met one of these friendly fellows as to what to really think of them. We met at dinner I remember because it was steak night and he was at the time enjoying a large bowl of hummus and dried pita chips. Commenting on how great the hummus was and that he was surprised that the camp served couscous in the salad bar. Something did not strike me as normal right off the hop here. It was staring directly at the needle in the haystack. Then I began to notice them....... lots of them! Sticking out in the crouds be it with their short beaked hemp hats, I-pads wrapped in what appears to be organic denim slings, and gathering in small groups around the soy milk. It was a strange revelation as if the "Organic" wool had been pulled off my eyes.

    The Petro Hippie is just that a green grass loving, commune living, festival volunteering Hippie. They may drive an old school bus and serve wraps at your favorite festival, or be the prius driver on the weekends at the farmers market. They just happens to make a living in the largest industrial pollution machine the great white north has ever seen. By day they blast hundreds of thousands of barrels of black sludge to refineries across north America contributing to the ongoing siege that is global warming and Capitalism. By days off signing petitions to save the ducks or enjoying their time debating in trendy coffee shops the turmoils mother earth is currently facing. They hold hands across  the table over their $10 fair trade espressos ( That guess who paid for) saying they can feel her pain. They then plan to have a meditation at the park with the rest of their Petro Hippie friends when they get off shift from Tarsand land. I am sorry I do understand there are energies that make the world up and their flow is amazing but its hard to feel them when your life is a lie.

    Now I am not sure if these urine masking friendly folks hide their "Dark side" from their unknowing real Earth friendly friends at whole foods. I am thinking thou that somebody has to have a clue how they can afford the latest hemp pants, Organic cotton T's and never mind the $50,000 Ford escape Hybrid.  Either they are paying off the other hippies with lbs of  quin oi and hemp seeds or they are like some kind disguised crusader who feels they are balancing their carbon footprint of a couple megatons of carbon with a 20x20 community Garden. Swooping off to do their job in the carbon releasing tar pits weeks at a time then returning to la la land like everything is going to be o.k. and feel they are making a difference. While all their hard working true to earth friends are none the wiser and just think the soap business is really taking off for them.

  The animal that I would pair the Petro Hippie with is a strange one. Seeing as the Petro Hippie is really unsure of what their natural surroundings should be, does not really understand who they truly are and quite frankly confuses the heck out of everyone else who sees what they do. You my sideways talking flip flopping friend are the platypus, cause frankly I think the platypus wakes up some days and says "What they hell?"

The Ladder Climber

    This one I am sure many people will find an easy reference to any job site or office in the world. "The Ladder Climber" always seems prevalent when there is room for advancement in a tight workforce. "The Ladder Climber" is the person whom would appear to have many faces. One for when management looks at them seeming like an abyss and under control. The other when their peers are looking at them carnivorous and ready to strike. A cold person whom has no sense of community or respect in a workplace. They are often found to have dust or dirt on their knees from performing oral pleasure on any person of upper stature. A cramped neck or sore back from hiding coiled up under desks is also a general trait of this person.

   When "The Ladder climber" is working directly with you under supervision they will seem helpful and courteous in their demeanor. Engaging you with comments such as "How would you do this?" or "Do you think this is a good idea?" Only then to take those comments and ideas. Modify them to become their own and take then to a superior to collect recognition. Only to leave the superiors office with a sense of pride and a limp from kneeling on another hardened floor. This said the opposite happens when the supervision is out of sight "The Ladder Climber" will become extremely lazy and lethargic. Getting help from them at this point is useless. Even if they did do some of the work it would almost immediately have to be redone.  On the other end if there is a problem or if something has been done improperly they will become silent. Unable to come up with a solution at the time or registering any input into the matter. They then wait for the opportunity to use this to their personal gain by making the issue larger than it really is. Telling their superior of the defect and how they have managed to find it. Possibly again regurgitating suggestions for fixes heard from their peers. Patting themselves on the back feeling that they have placed themselves on top of the pyramid for promotion.

   "The Ladder Climber" in most cases has a short life span. They will either become uncovered from their burrow of lies and deceit by an unsuspecting passerby who would find an uncovered loose end or shed of skin. The other is to be removed by a group of peers after they have spent too much time trying to climb one ladder in a small group. "The Ladder Climber" can only survive so long in a den like this as they need to feed often to keep themselves at the level they feel is needed for a promotion. The classic downfall is that they need to feed close to themselves to create a pyramid of what they want to appear as incompetence below them. Keeping themselves sitting on top of it like a statuesque asp. They feed on the very people that keep them atop the pyramid and eventually the cornerstones become removed and thus their structure of carefully placed back stabbing accomplishments comes tumbling leaving them at the mercy of their peers whom they have constantly mistreated.

   In dealing with "The Ladder Climber" it is utmost importance to find them as soon as possible. If left undetected they will have an upper hand and will fight to the death. Once they have been detected the only way to keep yourself and coworkers safe is with 1. Group recognition. Everyone needs to realize what they are dealing with and only when this is accomplished move to the next step 2. Ignorance and distance. Don't take your eye off them because when your back is turned they will strike. Think of them as if they are not there but always know where they are. If the whole group can ignore "The Ladder Climber" then they have nothing to climb or survive off of. Not a word to be said to them, and no recognition of their presence is to be given. If they speak into an ongoing conversation the entire group must completely ignore any comments, slowly move away and carry on as if there was nobody there. Then the most important step of dealing with "The Ladder Climber". 3. Don't let them single out a member of the group. If they can pull one away they find enough food value in a single person to survive a long time coiled and waiting to strike on any hint of prey that passes them by.

  In comparison to an animal undoubtedly they are the snake. Quiet and cunning while poisonous and cold blooded. Both being left in the spotlight or sunshine will be ferocious and energized but when put in the cold and left alone are simple and lazy. If you can control the head of the snake you can do anything with it. Just like "The Ladder Climber" their only weapon is their mouth in which they create chaos in a workplace. Use the 1,2,3 step solution to remove the poison and you are left with a child's pet that while untameable is manageable and not dangerous, often taking off in the tall grass not to be seen again.

Hope you enjoyed and thanks Kelly for a little inspiration to keep writing. Cheers!

Dogfuker (Part 2 of Birddogger)

Been a while since I have sat down and written a blog I am sorry. There have been some strange days at work lately but I have found some inspiration from them and I hope that I can keep entertaining the people that have enjoyed this blog so far. Thank you for your support.

  The "Dogfuker" ( the Yang to "Birddoggers" Ying ) is a combination of different people. There are the "Unskilled Dogfukers", "Part Time Dogfukers","Blatant Dogfukers" and then last but the most extreme of them all is the "Master Dogfukers." Simply put the "Dogfuker" is a person who will do anything other than work during the day to pass time. Sometimes the act of "Dogfuking" is more taxing than the work that they are supposed to be doing. The "Dogfuker" does not see his act as taxing. It is simply an (anything but what I am supposed to be doing) attitude that creates this breed of worker and the culture that has spread to all work sites.

There are many terms used to describe a "Dogfuker." It can be someone who is regularly "pumpin' the pooch", a person who "makes puppies all day" or in most cases just call them a "Pipefitter." Where this terminology came from I am not really sure but I can guarantee it has been around as long as they have rolled steel into tubular sections and attached it together. I do not mean to pick on a specific trade as all trades have various types of "Dogfukers" but it very rampant in the piping industry so it makes them an easy framework for this topic. A wonderful everyday example is if you remember the last time you saw city workers digging a hole for water pipe that is holding up traffic. Those people there are in fact plumbers. Plumbers are basically a pipefitter in training.

Lets start with the "Unskilled Dogfuker". Here we have a worker who's skills are not honed to be a very efficient "Dogfuker" yet. As pointed out we see them easily all over the place such as the plumbers mentioned above. Unsure of what they can get away with yet they are simple prey for the hovering "Birddogger". Their only defense is jumping into their excavation hole or trucks to avoid the "Birddoggers" eye. Getting written up for lack of production and being verbally disciplined are all signs of the "Unskilled Dogfuker". In a way these measures of discipline are training for the "Dogfuker" to hone his skills and become more proficient. Sometimes an "Unskilled Dogfuker" will become mentored by a "Master Dogfuker" being shown the ropes and learning the ins and outs of "puppy pounding." The "Unskilled Dogfuker" will in time move into the role of MASTER and no longer fear the "Birddogger".

Next would be the "Part time Dogfuker". This is the most difficult "Dogfuker" to deal with for the "Birddogger". The "Part time Dogfuker" has developed a sort of spidy sense to detect the "Birdogger" when they are in the area. Upon detection of a "Birddogger" the crafty "Part time Dogfuker" will blend himself into the ongoing work. This amazing skill allows the "Dogfuker" to simply pick up the nearest tool and make a situation look as if there is work being done in the eyes of the "Birddogger". Some of this type are extremely crafty at this and take the time to lay out various tools around their work area so that at no point in time will they have to move more than a few feet to camouflage themselves as "The Worker". The "Part time Dogfuker" does have one weakness, being that he needs to have a worker nearby so that he can blend with optimal ability while still doing no work. This worker does not come cheap thou, often the "Part time Dogfuker" will have to sort of pay "The Worker" for his services. Money is never exchanged for this service but rather false friendship, smokes and possibly other freebies to make the deal fair for "The Worker".

Onto the "Blatant Dogfuker". Here we have a worker who is usually set up financially or has a don't give a fuk attitude. These are the easy prey for the "Birddogger" as well. When detected by a "Birddogger" they will simple stand or sit in the position they are in only to move once the "Birdogger" has already locked onto them and is within striking distance. These are the most common employees to be "Skidded or Turfed" from job sites as they have no skills to defend themselves once engaged by the "Birdogger". Answering the "What are you doing??" question with phrases like "Nothing." or "Talking to you." With their answers enraging the "Birdogger" they often get hauled into the office for written reprimands and dismissals. The "Blatant Dogfuker" is very popular on sites thou as all workers get pleasure out of their reactions and comments to the "Birdogger." Throwing them off for a second by their unexpected reactions to authority is always a pleasure to witness.

Now we have come to the "Master Dogfuker."  This is the worker who has developed a skill set that makes him totally undetectable to the "Birddogger". Honing their spidy sense as a "Part time Dogfuker" and now being constructive and creative with their efforts they in the mind of the "Birddogger" do not exist. "Master Dogfukers" have been known to create elaborate lounges within their work area that are out of sight from the "Birddogger." Using tools like Red tape ( where nobody can enter) to guard entrances and emergency exits from their comfy lairs. They create a safe haven for themselves and "The worker" who needs to take a break from their duties. Thus creating a tollerence between "The Worker" and the "Master Dogfuker." The "Master Dogfuker" will very often mentor a "Unskilled Dogfuker" in order to help them create these safe houses and teach them the ways of "Dogfuking." Skills such as early detection and tools to escape "Birddoggers" during conversations. Here is where oddly enough the "Dogfuker" will expend more energy on creating their lair than it would take to be working. The "Master Dogfuker" has been "making puppies" for so long that the work part is not noticed. They will sees it simply as their duty to perform. The only way the "Master Dogfuker" is ever caught is when they are finding materials for their lair. Sometimes they are noticed stealing office chairs and large amounts of Styrofoam for insulation. The "Master Dogfuker" puts himself at risk only in such situations. While becoming sly and clever over the years they also have quick wit to answer any questions the "Birddogger" may ask them such as: "Why do you have a couch in the back of the truck?" A possible answser could be: " I was told to move it. They are giving it away to the salvation army and I have to take it to the shipping dock." Knowing the "Birddogger" is too hungry looking for prey to do a regular task like follow up an awnser, they are free to take the couch into their lair.

In closing, I have to compare each Dogfuker to a specific animal to end this one off as they are all displaying such different characteristics. First the "Unskilled Dogfuker" would be a jackrabbit. Appearing as easy prey they manage to escape the clutches of the "Birddogger" with their speed and nearby burrows. The "Part Time Dogfuker" gets the title of chameleon as they are quick to react and blend into their surroundings becoming invisible to predators. The "Blatant Dogfuker" is the prairie gopher. Easy pickings but kinda fun to have around as long as they are not working in your yard. The "Master Dogfuker" obtains the title of the mighty Canadian beaver. Unknown that they are even there, they work hard to create safe dens to live in and can only be caught when they go for more material.

I hope you enjoyed this one as I had fun writing it and am looking forward to posting many more in the not so far future. Thanks again.

Cheers!

Birddogger Part 1

  This blog is going to be part one of two. I have to do this as "Birddogger" is the ying to a "Dogfuker" yang. They seem to live off of each other like a predator and its prey so I will do this in a two part blog. The "Birddogger" is a complex being and difficult to understand. Their beliefs in time travel and fortune telling are a bit mind boggling but I will try to explain them to the best of my simple tradesman ability.


   "The Birddogger" is a person who's skills are honed directly to match their warped sense of reality. This being that everyone is in need of constant surveillance. By monitoring with great vigilance they feel  there is a better and safer work environment created. Having a childhood fantasy of becoming a private investigator they pretend to be the Magnum P.I. of the industrial world. The once unskilled tradesman truly believes that they have been chosen in a calling from above to transform into.... a safety officer. Not really having the full power of an officer of the law but still more clout than a simpleton security guard they find themselves constantly hovering in search of complacence and nonconformity. Living in a complex multi-dimensional realm where exact situations get reenacted over and over the safety officers life is one long drawn out deja vu. Constantly they will stop people and tell a story thinking that they are predicting the future. Thus saving lives and the well being of all who they "touch." Truly believing that their 6th sense of deja-vu and Magnum P.I. skills have saved the day once again.

   There are two types of "Birddoggers". First there is the older experienced one who could be mistaken for a fortune telling gypsy in a carnival. The older one has an unmistakably wild look in their eye and a self believed understanding of chance, luck and predictability. They will always take under their wing a younger "Birdogger" to show the ways of prediction and time intervention. The younger one will insert quick comments and points as the older one spins tales of the future. We think this is because their connection to the higher being has not fully transcend. The two pair up to become a "Starsky and Hutch" group of time travellers patrolling the site breaking the repetition of injuries that pop in from dimensional overlap. This in their world is what they call "dog training." It sounds complex but so is the mind of the safety officer. To delve too far into their reality means to become a lost cause and being taken over by delusions of grandeur. Thus causing yourself to contemplate safety officer school.

   To experience to watchful eye of the "Birddogger" is an eerie feeling. When you are working at your task with your partner you will feel a cool wind blow in and then a feeling of being uncomfortable. A certain calm before the storm blanket falls over your work task. Then it happens. A burning sensation in the back of your head. If you have never experienced it before it will send a chill down your spine. Instinctively the worker almost always looks around and there they are. Sitting across the road in their pimpin' Hutch mobile eyes locked on their target of intervention. If you are not quick enough pretend you did not see them and start walking away then there is no escape. Once the "Birddogger" realizes they have been spotted they lock on their targets and move in. At this time it is too late for you to quickly shuffle away into a crowd or nearby scaffold hoarding. They will follow you and they will talk to you.

  If you are unlucky enough to detect the "Birddogger" early and flee the scene then it happens. THE LECTURE. This is when the "Birddogger" feels he hit successful prediction of occurrence and feeds himself on inter-dimensional energies. As his Deja-vu takes over the "Birddogger" slips into a sort of strange trance. Calling on what he believes are powers given to him from above they tell you the future. It is an exact replica of whatever task you were doing but with an outcome that has not yet happened. The "Birddoggers" outcome is always one of gruesome pain or dismemberment. In extreme interventions the "Birddogger" may even tell tales of death. The people involved in the tale are always identical to you and your partner. Same trade, same job, same looking face. The time of day and weather may also sometimes be mentioned if the "Birddogger" feels he has a strong enough connection to the powers that be. Then as fast as it started it is over. Leaving you and your partner at work worried, tired and stressed. Fear that they will be back to repeat the process and take another half hour of your life that you can never reclaim hang over your heads.

   The best animal comparison to the "Birddogger" would be the Bald Eagle. Belived by some North American Native groups to have spiritual powers the "Birdogger" matches this animal to a key. The eagles intense concentration and skill for locking onto its prey is another cog that lines up perfectly. There is no escape when you are locked into the "Birddoggers" radar only prayer that it will be over quickly. The older "Birddogger" often tends to have a bald spot making the comparison uncanny.

Cheers!