Birddogger Part 1

  This blog is going to be part one of two. I have to do this as "Birddogger" is the ying to a "Dogfuker" yang. They seem to live off of each other like a predator and its prey so I will do this in a two part blog. The "Birddogger" is a complex being and difficult to understand. Their beliefs in time travel and fortune telling are a bit mind boggling but I will try to explain them to the best of my simple tradesman ability.


   "The Birddogger" is a person who's skills are honed directly to match their warped sense of reality. This being that everyone is in need of constant surveillance. By monitoring with great vigilance they feel  there is a better and safer work environment created. Having a childhood fantasy of becoming a private investigator they pretend to be the Magnum P.I. of the industrial world. The once unskilled tradesman truly believes that they have been chosen in a calling from above to transform into.... a safety officer. Not really having the full power of an officer of the law but still more clout than a simpleton security guard they find themselves constantly hovering in search of complacence and nonconformity. Living in a complex multi-dimensional realm where exact situations get reenacted over and over the safety officers life is one long drawn out deja vu. Constantly they will stop people and tell a story thinking that they are predicting the future. Thus saving lives and the well being of all who they "touch." Truly believing that their 6th sense of deja-vu and Magnum P.I. skills have saved the day once again.

   There are two types of "Birddoggers". First there is the older experienced one who could be mistaken for a fortune telling gypsy in a carnival. The older one has an unmistakably wild look in their eye and a self believed understanding of chance, luck and predictability. They will always take under their wing a younger "Birdogger" to show the ways of prediction and time intervention. The younger one will insert quick comments and points as the older one spins tales of the future. We think this is because their connection to the higher being has not fully transcend. The two pair up to become a "Starsky and Hutch" group of time travellers patrolling the site breaking the repetition of injuries that pop in from dimensional overlap. This in their world is what they call "dog training." It sounds complex but so is the mind of the safety officer. To delve too far into their reality means to become a lost cause and being taken over by delusions of grandeur. Thus causing yourself to contemplate safety officer school.

   To experience to watchful eye of the "Birddogger" is an eerie feeling. When you are working at your task with your partner you will feel a cool wind blow in and then a feeling of being uncomfortable. A certain calm before the storm blanket falls over your work task. Then it happens. A burning sensation in the back of your head. If you have never experienced it before it will send a chill down your spine. Instinctively the worker almost always looks around and there they are. Sitting across the road in their pimpin' Hutch mobile eyes locked on their target of intervention. If you are not quick enough pretend you did not see them and start walking away then there is no escape. Once the "Birddogger" realizes they have been spotted they lock on their targets and move in. At this time it is too late for you to quickly shuffle away into a crowd or nearby scaffold hoarding. They will follow you and they will talk to you.

  If you are unlucky enough to detect the "Birddogger" early and flee the scene then it happens. THE LECTURE. This is when the "Birddogger" feels he hit successful prediction of occurrence and feeds himself on inter-dimensional energies. As his Deja-vu takes over the "Birddogger" slips into a sort of strange trance. Calling on what he believes are powers given to him from above they tell you the future. It is an exact replica of whatever task you were doing but with an outcome that has not yet happened. The "Birddoggers" outcome is always one of gruesome pain or dismemberment. In extreme interventions the "Birddogger" may even tell tales of death. The people involved in the tale are always identical to you and your partner. Same trade, same job, same looking face. The time of day and weather may also sometimes be mentioned if the "Birddogger" feels he has a strong enough connection to the powers that be. Then as fast as it started it is over. Leaving you and your partner at work worried, tired and stressed. Fear that they will be back to repeat the process and take another half hour of your life that you can never reclaim hang over your heads.

   The best animal comparison to the "Birddogger" would be the Bald Eagle. Belived by some North American Native groups to have spiritual powers the "Birdogger" matches this animal to a key. The eagles intense concentration and skill for locking onto its prey is another cog that lines up perfectly. There is no escape when you are locked into the "Birddoggers" radar only prayer that it will be over quickly. The older "Birddogger" often tends to have a bald spot making the comparison uncanny.

Cheers!

"The Hoarder"

Today I am going to write about what I would have to call "The Hoarder". There are two completely different types of "The Hoarder" I have seen around but I feel the need to give them both the same handle as they tend to overuse what is given to them to an extreme. If you will read on then I will give you a better explanation as to what I mean. I hope you enjoy and don't forget that these are fun satires that have been created to help a person vent in a personally positive and creative forum.

I will start with "The Food Hoarder" that seems to display their fetish with food in the cafeteria meal line. In the camps there is a buffet set up you have all witnessed before. I am not sure if you have all had the privilege of seeing the Sunday afternoon buffet table after "The Hoarder" passes thru. It looks something like the American south after a series of tornadoes decide to throw some things around. You stare in amazement and wonder how that much coleslaw ended up in the Salsa tray and where the 150 packets of plum sauce you just saw went to. "The Food Hoarder" has not yet figured out they offer seconds. A careful combination of culinary engineering and balance is required to get "The Hoarders" food tray back to the table. A very specific method of stacking of solids on the bottom, growing slowly to a tower of flimsy or mushy food on top. Tends to be how the plate stacks up offering amazing displays without collapse. Structural engineers stare at these creations in amazement as "The Food Hoarder" waddles past them to their destination of sloth.

Once they reach their excavation site the table creaks under the weight of the tray while you can almost hear the poor chair wince in pain. Now the destruction begins. The fork and spoon become instruments of extraction shoveling loads of mixed up tornado debris into a recycling pit. "The Food Hoarder" has found their rhythm. Load after load of a once delicate structure are now being decimated to the silent joy of "The Food Hoarder". Glasses of standing diet soda stand lined up in front of the once great tower are slowly being drained to keep the seemingly enormous pit from hitting backlog and having to shutdown. Then it happens......."The Food Hoarder" hits what they call in their group "The Wall". It happens to runners in marathons and other humans who display amazing feats. "The Food Hoarder" can devour no more. They stare at a still half full plate of food and the 2 desserts that remain as if to convince the food that it would like to be eaten but alas 'The Hoarder is finished. With a swipe of napkins across the soiled lips they toss to the grease covered ball into the demolished tower that lies in shambles "The Hoarder" is done for now. Picking up the tray they walk to the rack where other half full plastic trays hold messes created for sinful pleasure and park their tray. About to walk away they look one more time at what they have created and a glimmer come to their eye. The Brownie.... plucking the tender moist brownie from the small glass plate it was displayed upon to tempt "The Food Hoarder" they walk away they grin in joyful triumph and attack the defenceless dessert with absolute aggression. Slamming the brown lump of goo to the back or their mouth from the palm of their hand. Chocolate oozes from between the gnashing teeth as with only a few open mouth chomps the deed is done and "The Food Hoarder" slowly moves on until the next tour of destruction.

Now we come to the "The Site Hoarder". At our jobs we have a thing called a tool crib. You go there to pick up any tool under the blue sky, use it until you are done with it and then hopefully return it. If you don't return it sometimes the guy at the tool crib will give you a little random list that tells you what you have to return before you can get anything else. No problemo so you have to go on a little scavenger hunt and pull secret missions sometimes to snag tools away from unsuspecting pipe fitters so that you can return what is on your list of things required. This is generally the normal way that things work and I had to explain that before I got into how "The Site Hoarder" works in these situations.

"The Site Hoarder" only takes and never returns. He will be a skiddish fellow who is always looking around for something but you never know what it is. If you are very good friends with this person you are lucky as only a select few are allowed into his private stash of company goodies. I truly believe that some "Site Hoarders" have gone so far as to start burying tools in boxes around site as if to set up their own elaborate string of personal tool cribs. Tucked into corners of buildings and up on scaffolds you will find job boxes with thick dust on them. These are signs of "The Site Hoarder". The easiest ways to identify 'The Site Hoarder" is that they have lots of keys on their key chain. They are no more important than you are with that one key and yet when they pull out their key chain they remind you of that Janitor you had in kindergarten. His keys were on large hoop earring looking thing with a retractable tether that only a 5 year old would look at as cool. When asked what all the keys are for you simply get the anwser "What keys?" as they slowly disappear back into his pocket and you my friend will never see that key ring again. Feeling threatened that his well constructed network is in danger of exposure he will never share a tool with you again.

The most interesting day to watch "The Site Hoarder" is on spring clean up days. This is when locks are busted off boxes and everything is rounded up as the tool crib guy is running out of stock. On this day "The Site Hoarder" has a mix of emotions. The feeling around the area is that of an old fashioned execution where all the townspeople stand and watch the (Executioner) take the bolt cutters and pop locks off of boxes. The stress can be seen on his face as he watches for some of his hidden boxes to be taken up to the chopping block and have their lock snapped off as if a guillotine came down on a co-conspirators neck. As the lid opens to reveal thousands of dollars in company tools "The Site Hoarder" is the first to yell "No wonder I could not find any tools look at this guys box!" or "Why can't people just return their tools so we can all use them!" Attempting to push the obvious blame away from his direction. Causing muffled noise from the crowd that has gathered and waiting for the next victim to have its lock cut off. The next few days "The Site Hoarder" roams in his depression slowly gathering up again and taking stock of what was not discovered by the company men who came in the night and drug his boxes away.

These are two different types of people requiring two different animals to represent them. 'The Food Hoarder" gets the great white shark. This is because during times of plenty the great white is known for simply taking bites out of its prey and not finishing the meal. The same vicious attack on unsuspecting and almost always defenceless prey make key match for "The Food Hoarder".

"The Site Hoarder" will be the average tree squirrel. Both tend to store up a large amounts of materials. The squirrel his nuts for winter and "The Site Hoarder" for his own use. In the spring the squirrel has to start all over as does "The Site Hoarder" after spring cleaning drives take place. Hope you enjoyed again.

Cheers!

The Biker

Here is one that has been on my mind for quite some time "The Biker". We all should know that motorbikes are the coolest thing in the world, or so "The Biker" would like you to believe. There are lots of different kinds of bikers that you see around. These here are some of the ones I seem to come across most often at work. All except for secretive "Vespa" they very well may be here but tend to not let anyone know they own one. It is fear of mockery and possible beatings that tend to keep "The Vespa" quiet about their secret lives in scooter gangs. For some reason there are many different kinds of bikers around here at work. All of them can easily be identified by some of these following traits.

There is "The Real Deal" being an older fella most of the time sporting a striking piece of facial hair and pony tail. "The Real Deal" actually has a pretty cool bike he managed to keep out of the clutches from his divorce back in the 80's. He could probably be the grandpa that you never met because he is either always gone to Sturgis or your parents were just kinda scared to introduce you into that influence when you were young. He's an ornery ole guy with old faded tattoos of anchors and poorly drawn naked women. The scars on his face show the war wounds of a highway full of projectiles. Over the years they have tenderized cheeks and performed on the spot dental extractions. These are the ones who never wear their colors around and usually have them. "The Real Deal" in the biker world deserves some respect.

Then on the opposite end of the two wheel rainbow is "The Flamer" being the young kid you remember almost pasting to a guardrail when he cut you off on his sewing machine sounding rice rocket. He is very often seen wearing his leather jacket complete with elbow and back pads around town while the bike is parked at home. Ball cap on head when he is riding his bike or spiky douche hair do when just strutting around in Joe Rocket or Alpinestar gear. Very often there is the young girl with t-bar underwear sitting on the back of his 400 lb rocket. Kinda dumb and unaware that at any moment "The Flamer" will attempt his famous 5 foot wheelie. Making here an instant you-tube sensation titled "Cute girl on motorcycle Fail." Sometimes I can't help but laugh at seeing some princess skidding down the road in flip flops and daisy dukes as "The Flamer" attempts to jog on pavement while doing 60 km/hr. Hey then again maybe its just me.

In between you have "The Learner" who is a young guy on a small cruiser that kinda looks out of place with his full face helmet. His skin has not toughened up yet from a barrage of bugs and small stones. He will be wearing a brand new jacket with whatever name his bike is. This jacket is always spic and span no bugs or scratches appear at all on the pristine leather. "The Learner" likes to listen to stories told by "The Real Deal" and dreams of someday rolling into Sturgis. If he does end up heading to Sturgis he will be taking his truck with a couple of buddies and their trailered bikes to the camp site outside of town. Simply so its not a very far ride into town for festivities and they can keep their jackets free of bug guts.

" The faker" usually a person of wealth that has purchased an expensive custom chopper from a television show or professional builder. Having made the purchase to give some sort of rebel appeal to his boring suburban lifestyle when he is not driving his four door Beamer. Always rides alone as he has no friends at the country club that dare make the move towards motorcycles as their status or wives will not allow them. He is a rebel amongst his friends and a knob to most everyone else he waves to on the highway. Sporting brand new top end gear he is a walking "for everything else there is visa" advertisement. There is a second kind of faker as well. He is not rich and may have a bike but not always. He is easily spotted by his wearing "Support Red and White" clothing. Never an associate himself he wears his wannabe colors strutting around thinking he is bad ass and demands respect. "The Faker" in this instance tends to just disappear sometimes and nobody seems to know where they went or really remember them.

"The Vespa" simply the gay guy on a scooter usually found is small gangs and are good for a chuckle. I have nothing against gay people. Just scooters. "The Vespa" seems to somehow suit them perfectly. It would be odd to see a guy wearing a scarf in the summer on a Fatboy. Vespas work for their riders style. "The Vespas" keep to their own and tend to congregate around cafes and stores that have green or organic in their name. You may frequently get stuck behind a group of them in the slow lane. Take a second and watch them drive while sipping some kind of beverage that I cannot pronounce while chatting to the person beside them. Their trademark long scarf flapping in the wind dangerously darting towards the spinning rear tire. Ever threatening to lop off the unsuspected riders head in a quick grab and jerk.

Then the last one I will list is " The HD Wannabe" this is my absolute favorite to see around work as they appear in multitudes. Here we have the fella who has never owned a bike but religiously shops at Harley Davidson bike dealerships to purchase everything from them. His Christmas presents from family include Harley Davidson picture frames and HD key chains from the kids. His collection of t-shirts from around the world are brought back for him from friends and relatives to help feed his addiction. He owns those stupid looking Harley Davidson bandannas (oh how I hate them!!) to cover a bald spot, $45 Jockey shorts with HD written on them and various other knickknacks and items that have nothing to do with a motorcycle but are all brandished with emblems of motorcycles. This man has a love affair with the name brand Harley Davidson possibly even a fetish at times. If he were to sell all his HD memorabilia he could afford a bike himself but sadly will never make the purchase.

A comparison to the animal kingdom for the biker is a difficult one as there are so many different types to try and fit into a single animal. So for this I have to say "The Biker" is like the skunk. They have a certain appeal that makes people want to go near them or even touch them to see if they are something other than what you have been told by others. Yet once you get that close to one you will never forget and walk across the road to avoid the next one.

Cheers!

The Albertan

I have taken some time off of writing a blog for a while as I have been at home with my wife welcoming our new born son into the world. He is happy and healthy so life is friggin' fantastic. I was not sure I would be able to write when I returned to work as I felt pretty uninspired after the last 6 weeks of family time. Thank you to the people who asked me to keep writing and to the folks at work who's just plain oddness inspire me. With that I am ready to explain to you "The Albertan". This blog is a blur of people I have met in many years. I have to admit I have learnt alot from some Albertans and have also taught a few a thing or two. If your concerned about the words in this blog having reference to yourself read the disclaimer and remember to laugh. Only when we laugh at ourselves can we truly be happy. Cheers.

Alberta is an average sized province in western Canada. Its bordered by the mountains of British Columbia and the Prairies of Saskatchewan. There is nothing really exceptional about Alberta other than it is lucky to have a huge deposit of tar sand that helps drive the Canadian Economy as well as our countries greenhouse gas production. This helps the Albertans to receive huge amounts of bank credit in which to live excessively on and flaunt for all visitors to see. There is also the famous Rodeo in Calgary called the "Calgary Stampede". This is a week in the summer when highly overpaid business executives trade in power suits for cowboy hats. They then get drunk for a week at staff parties downtown and prey on wannabe cowgirls with plastic breasts. If this is not Capitalism at its finest I have never seen it.

Upon arriving in Alberta you have no choice but to meet "The Albertan" as it is their home and there is no way to avoid this, sorry. It could be "The Albertans" long roots in cattle ranching that gives them the hospitality of "Get off my land or I will shoot" or it could be that Alberta is pretty much the equivalent of that spoilt kid you went to school with that never learnt to share very well. Sure they will give you some candy if their dad is standing there but its not without a struggle to pry that kids hand open. Alberta has not come into their found wealth very well. It is a regular occurrence to hear "The Albertan" speak about separation from Canada or comments like "I never been to Kbeck but I pretty sure I own some of it from the money I done sent over there." (the grammar in that sentence is correct)

For some reason or other the Albertan takes it upon themselves to let you know that you are on what they feel is their land. It is no longer a part of Canada to them it is strictly called Alberta. Often inviting you to leave at anytime or just simply reminding you that there is still a highway that exits the province as well. Sometimes you feel like they expect a tip like the bellhop who opened to door for you while you carried your own bags up the stairs because the elevator was working. Simply for standing on the oil soaked ground beside them they feel should carry a provincial tax or levy.

Sadly thou the Albertan is held back by a single trait that without the rest of they country would cripple their economy. That dear friend is laziness. If it were a law in "The Albertan" constitution it would read that : When in Alberta and working beside "The Albertan" that person who is not from Alberta shall perform a percentage more of the work than the Albertan based upon province of origin. Saskatchewan and Manitoba are an automatic 60% as they Just want to work and don' t care. British Columbia is a mere %25 in the winter and 50% in the summer as Albertans are scared they will just quit and ride their snowmobiles all winter if asked to work too hard. Quebec is 50% across the board and its a struggle at times to get that much from them. The Atlantic provinces once again get screwed with the furthest travel time and the most work at 75% because Albertans know they have no choice in the matter. The territories are not included in this as they tend to rarely leave home for work in Alberta.

So as closing I must find a comparison for "The Albertan" in our animal kingdom as with the other explanations. "The Albertans" I believe are best compared to the small house dog. It seems to have the life. Usually found Lazing around all day in a comfortable home. When someone comes to the door they make one heck of a fuss and will only settle down when given a treat or a pat on the head. Finally they are not sad to see you go but will watch and make sure you are off the property when you do exit.