O.D.B. the old dirty bastard

This is one that I have been pondering for a while. When I say Old Dirty Bastard you may think of a lot of things. Some maybe a dead Gangster rapper, a coke bottle glass wearing greasy pedophile with a pocket full of candy or some old man with dirt caked fingernails and cigarette stained teeth. The last is the closest to what I am getting at and the following will help you with a description and possibly some strategies to help you out if your stuck in an encounter with the O.D.B.

This personality is that of the 50-year-old version of Linus. His blanket has over time slowly transformed into a mere shred of what could possibly be a thickly stained cloth sticking out of the back pocket. His brown farmer slacks layered with months of god knows what while Drool and spittle line the front bib of his shirt. This all creating an opaque tint next to the shiny snap together pearl buttons. An aura of bacteria and germs constantly rotate around him like a solar system to their mother sun. Foul smells of pickled herring and what could be old jockeys thickly crusted and well past due date resonate from his being.

Here is the man you pray goes to the bathroom after you as following him could be a traumatizing experience. After the O.D.B. leaves an inhumanly fresh coil floating in the porcelain bowl. (There is no flushing for the O.D.B.) He at the same time with amazing accuracy or shit luck will manage to get some of that coil smeared on the toilet seat itself. (Really, how is this possible?) The O.D.B will then proceed to play his favorite game. “Touch every handle and knob on the way out of the bathroom.” skipping the actual act of using soap and water as if it were holy water to a vampire. Finished off by excitedly cramming his finger deep to the nasal cavity searching for a quick snack on the way back to the lunchroom.

If you get so lucky as to sit beside or god bless you across from the O.D.B. Here are some of the things you can look forward to during the day. The ever dangerous dodging an Arial barrage of liquid projectiles. They are either from the unblocked open mouth cough or heaven forbid that high velocity sneeze. All you can do is try to defend your already sickly looking bologna sandwich or easily exposed apple. Not to forget your newspaper that becomes unreadable if left out while the bombing raid of infectious piddle spots smudge the lettering into an unreadable mess of ink.

I am sorry to say but if you are stuck in the close proximity of the O.D.B. for your shift resistance is futile. By day 12 your immune system will be fighting like a 57 year old Mike Tyson and finally give up in an embarrassing loss. You now have the undaunting pleasure of returning home carrying multiple strains of O.D.B. germs. As unwillingly as you took them you hand them off to your friends and family. Around the middle of the week when you are home fighting off a full blown cold your friends or family know now exactly why they are getting a tickle in the throat. The evil stare you get reminds you of your friend the O.D.B. Double win.

To ask the O.D.B. for use a tissue is hopeless. These words fall upon deaf ears, as the O.D.B. has no concept of oral hygiene. I believe I have come to a supported conclusion that O.D.B.’s are illiterate. There are large black and white signs in most rooms reminding them to cover their cough and wash their hands. I have even found one sign written hastily with a sharpie in a stall of the washroom that not so politely asked the O.D.B. to stop flicking boogers on the wall. It even came with small arrows and circles around the crusted green impact zones. (I now avoid that stall no matter how dire my situation is.)

I have one final aid for you in identifying and isolating the O.D.B’s plethora of germ matter. When you hear someone in the shower from outside using the farmer’s handkerchief remember what unit that was in. What has happened is the O.D.B. using the lungpower of a marathon runner has contaminated the shower stall by cleansing his nasal cavity in every direction possible. I asked you to remember the unit, as you now must at all costs avoid it until it has received a minimum of double decontamination. (2 cleaning days) Trust me on this one.

I closing I can only find one animal to compare this personality to and I am sorry to say it but Monkey you are it. I really enjoy you and find you entertaining or funny most of the time. It was just that one time when I saw you stick your finger in your bum and then pop it in your mouth that your reminded me of some people I work with. I need a new job.

Cheers!